Joyfully Present

A choice...

"Sarah, just think, I could be in heaven soon!" How does one respond to that? July 2018 was the beginning of one of those times in my life when I had a choice, a choice that could make an impact broader than my blind eye can see. When faced with the excitement of a saint about to enter into their eternal reward my choices were, I could live out what I say I believe and be excited with her or I can run away in fear, unbelief, and cry out in selfishness for this time to not come. With a matriarch like my Bema leading the way, setting the example of living out your faith, my choice was a much easier and joyful than I imagined.


On going learning...

I can remember months after my mother passed away and even now nearly 20 years later my human heartache creeping in saying, "Why MY mom? I needed/need her! I have so many things to say, to ask, memories to make. WHY?!" I can never get far down that path of thinking before I hear this whisper to my heart "Would you be so selfish as to ask her to give up heaven, the very presence of God the Father to come back to you? Am I not enough?" I always hang my head in shame as I finally let these words sink in, pressing hard against my heart. My answer for 20 years has been and will always be "No, Lord, you are enough, forgive me."  


Visiting...

As the results of Bema's tests began coming our phone calls became more frequent, each time I talked to her it was more and more apparent the illness that plagued her body would not be one she would recover from on this earth. That energetic little body she had been given back nearly 83 years ago was failing her. I made it home to visit her just 8 weeks after that June day, when she just stopped to say good bye, to tell us she was praying for us as we began a new journey in Hunt town. I walked into their small cozy living room, immediately it was different, Bema didn't answer the door. She was on her couch surrounded by blankets and pillows to keep her comfy but it was obvious she was not going to jump up to hug me. I started to let my emotions get the best of me but than that smile... that twinkle in her eyes... that deep almost giddiness I immediately felt from her stopped my tears in their tracks! I sat down beside her getting as close to her as I could without causing her discomfort. 


The talk I wish I had recorded...

Bema held my hand and we talked... she wanted to hear all the funny stories about the kids I had been mentally filing the past few weeks. She said each of their names "Ava Grace, Kaeden Dean, Hudson Lee, Macie Ann" laughing gently, shaking her head saying "with their personalities they cannot just go by their first names. Ava Grace and Macie Ann are beautiful just like their momma and Grandma Beth, and I can never get over how much Hudson Lee looks like Don (papa), and well Kaeden Dean he may look just like his daddy but he acts just like a little Lee Arlen." She wanted to know how Nick was doing with his new job. She wanted to know what I thought about his basketball players, how we were showing them God's love. She wanted me to paint a verbal picture of our new home, small, but just exactly what we needed. She wanted to know what churches we were visiting and how God was already teaching me so much through this new adventure. 


The lesson...

With each moment I could feel her getting more tired, but the sparkle in her eye shined brighter as we continued talking. The more we talked the more we talked about God's grace, his goodness, and his faithfulness. We looked at some old pictures, she talked about her grandpa and told us a few stories from her childhood. I could just listen to her tell stories for hours. Finally, I knew it was time to go, try as I might to stop them a few tears managed to sneak out and trickle down as I bent down to hug her. As I was leaving she said "I can't wait to hear more next time." It was like she said straight to my heart "Keep going!! God has a lot more for you.Don't get caught up in grief when you have so much to be joyful about! " Just about the time I was beginning to get caught in the gut wrenching thoughts of losing her, she pointed me back to being present... present with where God has me right now, present with my tall, dark, and handsome, and present with my children. Be joyfully present!


The drive home...

I made my choice that day... driving home though my favorite southern Ozark Mountain views, just as the sun was setting, tears flowing freely most of the two hour drive home... I kept thinking about how sick my Bema's little body was and the pain she was in yet her whole demeanor was full of JOY. So my mind was made up I was going to choose joy. I knew the days ahead would not be fun or feel good moments but no matter what I would follow her example and choose to let joy be my heart song.

Naturally joy is something I have been thinking a lot about recently, my pastor preached on it recently and since I was choosing to have joy in this midst of my sadness I felt compelled to really know what it meant. I am going to end this with what I found that most opened my eyes to the kind of joy my Bema displayed in the midst of her illness.

Joy (chara): Joy is an inner gladness; a deep seated pleasure. It is a depth of assurance and confidence that ignites a cheerful heart. It is a cheerful heart that leads to cheerful behavior.Joy is not an experience that comes from favorable circumstances but is God’s gift to believers. Joy is a part of God’s very essence and His Spirit manifests this supernatural joy in His children (Galatians 5:22, Acts 13:52, 1Th 1:6). Joy is the deep-down sense of well-being that abides in the heart of the person who knows all is well between himself and the Lord.

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